Reading time: 10 min
So, you want to buy a car? Cute. Most people walk into a dealership with the same energy as a kid in a candy shop — wide eyes, empty brain — and walk out with a car loan, regrets, and a warranty scam. Buying a car should be exciting, but for the unprepared it’s just legalized robbery with cupholders.
This isn’t one of those boring “10 tips to buy a car” guides. This is the no-filter, roast-your-choices-to-ashes survival manual. If you’re thin-skinned, go watch TikToks of people unboxing iPhones. If you want to not be broke, stick around.
Know What You Actually Need
Here’s the problem: most people buy cars the way toddlers buy toys. Shiny = want.
- If you love off-roading? Buy an offroader. Stop pretending your Corolla can climb dunes. It can’t.
- If you’re hauling stuff 90% of the time? Buy a pickup. Stop killing your back seats with cement bags.
- If you just need a daily commuter? Buy something economical. You don’t need a Dodge Ram to go grab milk.
Buying the wrong car is like buying scuba gear for your office job. Look cool, but completely useless.
New vs Used — The Brutal Truth
Stop buying new unless you’re rich or dumb (sometimes both). The second those dealer doors close behind you, POOF — thousands vanish. Cars depreciate faster than Lindsay Lohan on crack. It’s like a magic trick where your wallet is the audience, and the punchline is you being broke.
Only buy new if the price difference is under 20% and you’re getting free perks worth it (like service packages). Even then, read the fine print. “Free service” often means “congratulations, we’ll overcharge you later.”
Otherwise, used is the sweet spot. Let someone else take the financial bullet for you.
Sedans Are Inferior, Fight Me
Sedans are useless. Yeah, I said it. They’re tiny, weak, scrape over speed bumps like dead turtles, and in bad weather they become driveway ornaments.
Meanwhile, SUVs laugh at floods, snow, dirt, and potholes. Some SUVs even get better fuel economy than sedans. My Jimny sips less gas than a Mustang or half the bloated V6 Mercs out there.
Sedan owners will argue, “But they’re practical!” Practical at what? Crying when it rains? SUVs beat sedans. End of story.
And here’s the harsh truth: if your car can’t reliably take you from A to B in any weather condition (preferably any terrain too — but hey, I won’t judge the asphalt-only crowd; you like boring life? Own it), then you’re not buying a car. You’re buying a toy. Might as well get a skateboard and pray it doesn’t rain.
Forget Luxury (Unless You’re Filthy Rich)
Luxury cars are just overpriced fragile egos on wheels. Unless you’ve got Elon Musk money, keep walking.
Rule of thumb: if your car can’t clear a speed bump, it’s not a car, it’s a liability.
Here’s the Yellow Pages test: grab one of those fat books (if you even remember paper), slide it under your car. If it doesn’t fit, congrats — you’re not driving, you’re sliding on asphalt, waiting to donate your exhaust pipe to the road gods.
Minimum clearance = 2 Yellow Pages. At 3, you’re basically terrain-proof. You could drive through floods, dirt, or a zombie apocalypse without noticing.
Stop Worshipping Engines for Speed
Don’t look at an engine and start drooling about horsepower. “I need that V8 for speed!” No, you don’t. Fuck speed.
Here’s reality: you can’t legally use it anywhere on Earth except one strip of road in Germany. Everywhere else? The moment you go a hair over 70 mph (120 km/h), the cops will beat the joy right out of you. License gone, ticket slapped, car impounded, and your mom getting a call about how you’re a “reckless driver.” Congrats, you just became dinner table gossip.
And if you’re really unlucky? That shiny beast you thought you’d flex in ends up at the junkyard half-stripped, or back on a dealership lot because some repo guy “thought” your car was the one he was supposed to take. (Happens more often than you think.)
Engines aren’t about speed. They’re about torque, towing, durability, and whether the damn car can actually handle what you need it to do. Buy for function, not for flex.
Brands You Can (and Can’t) Trust
Now let’s roast some brands:
- Japanese cars: The gold standard. Toyota, Mitsubishi, Mazda, Suzuki. They’ll outlive your house. Reliable, fixable, no nonsense.
- Chinese cars: Used to be trash, now shockingly good. MG, Jetour, Changan. Cheap, decent, and parts won’t bankrupt you.
- German cars: Keep them in Germany. Unless you want to live at the mechanic’s shop, don’t. They’re divas. Fast, fancy, but break more than your grandma’s hip.
- French/Korean cars: Built like biscuits. Crumble under pressure. Peugeot? Wouldn’t take one for free — I’d spend more paying someone to haul it away.
- Russian cars: Ladas are basically cockroaches with wheels. Ugly? Yes. Indestructible? Also yes. These things will still be running when Tesla servers are dead.
- American cars: Used to be tanks. Now they’re cheap plastic with engines. The accountants cut corners, and you pay for it. Everything breaks the day after warranty ends.
Verdict? Stick to Japan for reliability, try modern Chinese for budget, grab Russian if you need indestructible, and avoid the others unless you like pain.
The 10% Rule — Don’t Be Stupid
Here’s the golden wallet rule: your yearly insurance, gas, and maintenance should never cost more than 10% of your monthly salary.
If you’re earning $3,000 and your car is eating $600 monthly, you’re not a driver — you’re a slave. That car owns you. You basically bought the world’s most expensive Uber.
If your “dream car” makes you eat instant noodles for dinner or cry at gas stations, congratulations, you didn’t buy a car. You bought poverty with wheels.
Cars are supposed to take you places. If yours takes your paycheck instead, you failed the assignment.
Never Finance. Ever.
Repeat after me: Financing is a trap. Leasing is a trap. Installments are a trap.
If you don’t have the cash, don’t buy the car. Period.
Car loans are the easiest way to chain yourself to debt for years. You’re basically paying interest to brag on Instagram for six months before the “new car smell” wears off. Meanwhile, the car keeps losing value faster than your bank account.
Want freedom? Pay cash. If you can’t? Walk away. Financing a depreciating asset is financial suicide dressed up as “convenience.”
Still not convinced? Go read this: 32 Years Debt Free — 20 Rules That Work.
If you think car debt is smart after that, you deserve the financial pain headed your way.
The Sweet Spot for Buying
The perfect car is not new, and it’s not a rust bucket from 1998 either. The sweet spot is:
- 2–5 years old
- Well maintained
- Clean history
- Zero accidents
Always check history. If the car was burned, drowned, or rolled down a mountain, trust me, the dealer won’t mention it. Pay for Carfax or equivalent — best $30 you’ll ever spend.
Inspect Before You Regret
Never buy a car without an inspection. Unless you enjoy donating money to mechanics.
If you know cars, check it yourself. If you don’t, pay a mechanic you trust. $100 today saves you thousands later.
Look for:
- Rust, leaks, weird smells.
- Tires worn unevenly = suspension/alignment hell.
- Dodgy paint = accident cover-up.
- Frankenstein rebuilds with missing bolts and janky welds.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Always Test Drive (Or Walk Away)
Never — and I mean never — buy a car without test driving it.
Photos lie. Dealers lie. Specs lie. Your butt never lies.
You won’t know if you love or hate the car until you actually sit in it, drive it, and feel it. Maybe that “luxury leather” is just stiff crap that makes your ass feel like it’s sitting on a church bench. Maybe the seat angle kills your back after 10 minutes. Maybe the steering feels like mush, or the road noise is so loud you’ll go deaf before the warranty runs out.
A test drive tells you all that in five minutes. No test drive? No deal. Walk away. Because the worst car you can buy is one that technically works, but you can’t stand driving.
Negotiate Like You Own the Place
Dealers are professional sharks, but you have the one thing they desperately want: cash.
Rules of the game:
- Don’t act desperate — desperation costs money.
- Let them know you’re cross-shopping. It terrifies them.
- Don’t get emotionally attached to a car you don’t own yet. Inventory ≠ soulmate.
- Be ready to walk away. That’s your nuclear button.
- And for the love of sanity, please don’t buy the stupid crap they throw at you as “benefits.”
No, you don’t need “free” mugs, shirts, or floor mats that look like they came off Temu. No, you don’t need an extended warranty plan that’s basically a lottery ticket for idiots. That’s literally how they bait people who nod along like goofy nerds, going “okay!” while handing over extra cash. - And please, for the love of whatever’s holy, don’t buy the stupid trims.
You don’t need the “Black Widow” edition, the “Mountain Slayer Off-Road” trim, or the “Urban Luxury Sports Adventure” package. Those trims are just overpriced stickers, plastic add-ons, or dealer-installed fluff that cost 500% more than if you went to a body shop or mechanic you trust. Verify it yourself: source the same parts, have them installed third-party, and you’ll realize how much of a scam those trims are.
American car companies are especially guilty of this trim disease. Take Ford — the F-150. Decent truck. But then they slap a Raptor badge on it, toss in some flashy extras, and suddenly it’s a six-figure truck. Here’s a thought: just buy the most boring dad-spec F-150 you can find and mod the living shit out of it. Lift kit, tires, suspension, exhaust — whatever. You’ll end up with something stronger, meaner, and cheaper than that overpriced Raptor trim scam.
Buy the basic car with the specs you actually need. You want mods? Do it aftermarket, on your terms, for a fraction of the cost. Don’t pay dealership clown prices.
Remember: you came for a car, not a cosplay kit.
Red Flags That Scream “Run!”
Memorize these:
- “I lost the title, but trust me.” : Run.
- “It’s too cheap to be true.” : Scam.
- No inspection/test drive allowed : Nightmare.
- Car rattles, leaks, or screams : Future bankruptcy.
If any of these pop up, get out before you become the next victim.
Final Thoughts: Buy Clean, Pay Cash, Drive Free
Cars are supposed to be freedom. For most people, they’re financial prisons. Don’t join them.
Follow the rules:
- Know what you need.
- SUVs over sedans.
- 2–5 years old, clean, inspected.
- Stick to Japanese or decent Chinese.
- The 10% rule or bust.
- Never finance. Ever.
- Always test drive.
- Negotiate like a boss (and ignore trims/junk).
Do this, and you’ll actually enjoy driving instead of crying at your mechanic’s counter. Ignore it, and you’ll be the guy bragging about his luxury car while eating instant noodles in the dark.
Hey! Wanna see more rants about cars? Check this out: Car Blogs